I don't ever get onto livejournal anymore... but if any of you need to contact me, my myspace is myspace.com/glitterbawb and my facebook, you can find just by searching Catherine Cocaine, simply. However, on facebook, I'm not gonna add you unless I really know you, or have known you for some time.
But this is gonna be my last post... so, no more adds. You can remove me if you'd like. But I doubt I'll be back for a long time.
I'm planning on moving to another state in about two years. So, maybe when I start my life there, I'll give you some sort of update, regularly.
I want to say, I've been a member of livejournal since maybe... 2003? And I've met a lot of amazing people. And I'm so thankful for all of you. Thanks for reading, thanks for putting up with me. <3
I wish I could really explain this... I hate making excuses. And I hate that I always have to.
You've turned me into this actress. Every time someone politely asks how I am, I feel the need to smile and feed them a lie about how everything is just fine, when I'm completely breaking into pieces.
I've learned tricks, ways to cover everything up. Things I shouldn't have to do. I learned how to wear long sleeves to cover the red rings at my wrists, provided by your hands. I've learned to wear a hood in the middle of summer to cover the bruises on my neck from your fingertips. I've learned exactly how to cover a scratch or mark on my face with makeup. And I've learned how to get rid of the red in my eyes from the crying from every little smack, and every big punch you've laid into me.
Because of you, I'm scared to leave my house without someone accompanying me. Because of you, I will go out of my way to drive well-lit back roads, in case you're on the streets the same time I am. Because of you, I flinch every time I'm touched. Because of you, I can not be comfortable with anyone. And when I finally can, I ruin everything because I'm scared this might happen again. And because of you, I can't connect with someone that I'm desperately in love with, because I'm afraid they'll take too much control.
There have been too many years where I've had nights I wake up in sweat, cause it's like I can feel you there, in the dark. And I'm so afraid you're going to hurt me again. I'm afraid you're going to kill me.
And because of you, just when everything seems to calm down... after months and months of worry and stress, I just happen to see you and you haven't changed at all.
I can't help but think how many girls there must have been since me. And how many are going to become just as vulnerable because you're just as good an actor as you've made me become.
I know this is just a simple networking website... and I know I'm absolutely nothing but a regular girl, who wants to be so much more than that. But, I'm being held back.
And... I just really feel like I have to say, When I was in high school, I was abused by my boyfriend. And I ran into him just recently. And it was like everything flooded back the second he pushed me into a wall. And it was like I was 14 again and his hands were around my neck. And I never told anyone. And I never planned on it. Til I realized, the problem I thought had left my life, was just controlling someone else's life.
And that's why I want to say... if you've been through this, if you're going through this... you have to do something. Tell someone. There are tons of people that you can go to. There are tons of websites and places that can help you. So many phone numbers that can give you information and someone to talk to.